.......I'll say because I can......

I got some more of my Buffy Season on DVD in the mail today. There was a ridiculous amount of packages today. It seemed like something orchestrated for a movie or something. It was self love on my part. Every so often I go online and make some purchases on Amazon.com. I have vowed to own all seasons of CSI. Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and Angel before I leave Baghdad. I have also picked up a few films by Gregg Araki. I like his work. It's intriguing.
I ended up not going to my Martial Arts class today. Aside of the fact that a form and technique heavy Thursday night class, and a Fitness test in which I applied myself to the point that my feet were almost literally burning inside my shoes left me drained beyond belief.
I did not think I could ache the way I did earlier today. I also had a minor incident with my vehicle so I got to play mechanic. All the roads here on base are super narrow, and some of them have strategically placed trees where it is especially narrow. Normally I will drive a bit centered unless there is a car coming so that my side mirrors do not get to close to the sides as such to harm any passing pedestrians. An oncoming vehicle after this really oddly placed S-turn forced me to the right and I heard a clashing sound. My right side mirror was wrecked. It did not break the fixture, but the mirror was scattered across the passenger seat and the bed of the truck. I still have to sweep it out. I'll do that tomorrow.

I'm disliking being the person I am in the environment I am in. I am people oriented and I am in an environment that is not as "people friendly" as I am. I'm in a job that cannot be as people oriented as I would like. I am too self-sacrificing to be comfortable here. My being and mentality are out of place in my current locus. This itself is a paradox that vexes me. I imagine this and have integrated it as part of who I am, as something I own. I face a decision to continue as I am or let my time ride out and seek other possibilities. There is a greater degree of the unknown after that. It is the post-graduation crux I am facing, only I have not graduated, I just have done something so mundane and at the same time so remarkable not many people have the courage, the conviction, the dedication, the will, to do what I am doing, to be where I am, to put up with what I put up. The hard part is not the organization, the institution, the regulations. It is myself, my mind, my demons, my existence as I perceive it.
I am the one who makes things as they are, not the circumstances I find myself in, because everything is what you make it and subject to your experience, your context, your biases. It is that which makes you who you are and what you become, and sometimes I wonder if I have made the right choices, or wonder if I am doing what I was meant to do.

Something that makes me giggle is the thought of a dear and trusted friend of mine who, if she would read this, will slap me upside the head, shake me violently and tell me to get it together. I just wonder how together I think I have it and how together I can have it actually be.

Where can all the facets of me coexist as one with as little conflict as possible?